Last year, Brian Roberts had a wonderful roid-infested season forthe Baltimore Orioles. Never mind the fact that he only started hitting after Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro joined the team. I'm sure he's clean, I mean hey, he's white and he's (s)crappy!  I'm sure Brady Anderson (1996 Version) would be very proud.

Cleveland Indians DH Travis Hafner was on the ESPN radio' Mike & Mike this morning. Before interviewing the Vin Diesel lookalike, one of the Mikes mentioned that he came out of nowhere to be an AL MVP candidate last year. Never mind that he was only the BEST ******* HITTER IN BASEBALL THAT WASNT ON ROIDS (or Denver, Colorado) the year before.  Then, in 2005, Hafner had the second best OPS in the American League, behind only Gayrod.  Usually I make fun of "underrated" players, but this guy seriously deserves some credit.

Who the **** is Chris Shelton? Oh yeah, he's some crappy fatass who can hit Royals pitching. Move along, nothing to see here. Maybe one day people will mistake him for Todd Helton and buy his baseball cards by accident.

I think the Mariners are going to be good this year. Yeah, I know, Ichiro and Richie "I'm too" Sexson are their only good players, but I really think the rest of the lineup has a decent chance to be average.

The Brewers are really good. Ben Sheets and Doug Davis are two of the best pitchers in baseball. Chris Crapuano, Tomokazu Ohka and David "W" Bush are all very good. Every day will be a tough matchup for opposing teams. JJ Hardy will be the first *** All-Star since Mike Piazza. Geoff "Swing Harder" Jenkins is looking like the same player who hit .332/.401/.623 after the all-star break last season, and is my darkhorse MVP candidate. Carlos Lee, while overrated, is still a legit 30 HR/100 RBI guy. The rest of the lineup, including Prince Fielder, Rickie Weeks, Corey Koskie, Damian Miller, and Brady Clark, are all above average at their respective positions. Future Hall of Famer Corey "Shades" Hart and super-utility man Bill "Clapclap clap" Hall lead what may be the deepest bench in the majors.

Anyone remember that movie The Fan? Man I hate John Kruk. I'm glad DeNiro killed him. It would have been better if he would have killed Kruk AND Barry Roids, but really, how can I complain?

To round out this post, here are my picks for the MLB ALL (S)CRAPPY TEAM:

C  Jason Kenall
1B Jeff Conine
2B Craig Counsell
SS David Eckstein
3B Chone Figgins
LF Scott Podsednik
CF Brady Clark
RF Lew Ford

P Kip Wells

These guys know how to hustle. They play the game the way its meant to be played. They're the grittiest, scrappiest, hardest-working battlers this side of Derek Jeter. And they are all crappy white guys. No offense to token black guy Chone Figgins, you're a true gamer as well. INTANGIBLES.

At the half-way point of the season, the Kansas City Royals are, once again, in last place.  Although I have only watched about three innings of Royals baseball this season before getting bored and switching to another game, I feel that I am more than qualified to grade the team's performance.

The "Hitters"

C - John Buck
Spent the first half of last year 3rd on Houston's organizational depth chart, blocked by heavy hitters Brad Ausmus (.248/.306/.325) and Raul Chavez (.210/.256/.259).  His opportunity arose when the Astros somehow managed to trade him and some crappy pitcher for Carlos Beltran.  Now he's a crappy catcher for a crappy team in the majors.
Grade: E+

1B/RF - Matt Stairs
You know you're in good shape when you have Matt Stairs hitting cleanup.  Whoa, I just put "Matt Stairs" and "in good shape" in the same sentence.  Its funny because he's really a fat guy.
Grade: C+

2B - Ruben Gotay
Ruben performed well enough in AA last year to earn a promotion to Kansas City.  Apparently, even the Royals management considers themselves to be a AAA team.
Grade: C

SS - Angel Berroa
Still trying to regain his 2003 Rookie of the Year form.  However, unless they legalize roids quick, the Royals are stuck with the new Pat Listach.
Grade: D-

3B - Mark Teahen
Rounding out the Royals' AAA infield is Moneyball hero Mark Teahen.   I do believe he'll become a decent player, but the Royals will have traded him for prospects by then.
Grade: D+

LF - Terrence Long
The only thing more awesome than Matt Stairs batting cleanup is Terrence Long batting third.
Grade: D

CF - David DeJesus
Finally, something for Royals' fans to get excited about - DeJesus has the potential to become a mediocre major league outfielder.
Grade: C

RF - Emil Brown
Career minor leaguer Brown has come out of nowhere to put together a pretty good year, so far.  Imagine how bad the Royals will be when he returns to earth and is back to his .650 OPS self.
Grade: B

DH/1B - Mike Sweeney
He's declined a bit since the roid crackdown, but is still a legitimate major leaguer.  Could go down in history as the Royals' best hitter since Bob "The Hammer" Hamelin.  That is, if they don't trade him for some overrated Yankee prospect first.
Grade: B-

Throwers

RHP - Jose Lima
In his second time around with the Royals, he's actually managed to be even worse than before.  Plus he has herpes now.
Grade: F-

RHP - Runelvys Hernandez
One of the bright spots in the rotation, Hernandez has at times approached average.  He should get better as the season moves along, as he recovers from Tommy John surgery.
Grade: C+

RHP - Zack Greinke
Performed well as a rookie in 2004 after being rushed to the majors.  Too bad he ***** now.  I don't know why he ***** but I'm sure he's trying hard.  Maybe its because the Royals forgot they have a AAA team.  He's pretty good in MVP 2005 so thats a plus.
Grade: C-

RHP - DJ Carrasco
He's actually performed well this season in the Royals rotation.  I'll bet he's just really lucky.
Grade: B+

LHP - JP Howell
Oh Royals, who WON'T you rush to the majors?
Grade: F+

Conclusion

The Royals should probably just switch over to AAA and be done with it, since that seems to be the direction team management is taking them.  Omaha must be jealous.

The're not done yet. 

Earlier today, the Yankees designated for assignment underperforming relievers Mike Stanton and Paul Quantrill, then recalled worthless outfielder Bubba Crosby and gritty LHP Wayne Franklin from AAA Columbus.

While Crosby will likely struggle to outhit Tony Womack, Wayne Franklin could be just what the Yankees need.  A proven winner, Franklin brings his own brand of determination to the mound. 

Two years ago with the Milwaukee Brewers, he won 10 games despite posting a 5.50 ERA.  Now, most pitchers won't get very far giving up that many runs, especially pitchers that relied on scrubs like Royce Clayton and John Vander Wal for run support.  That didn't stop Franklin. Every five days, when the fireballing lefty took the mound, the Brewers knew they had a chance to win.  Start after start, Franklin's gritty play inspired his team to victory.  His intangibles are unmatched in most any major league clubhouse, and are second to only Derek Jeter and the great Craig Counsell.

Despite his success in Milwaukee, pitching in New York won't be an easy task.  While Jeter has done his best to battle to the very end game in and game out, the same cannot be said for the rest of the Yankee lineup.  Gary Sheffield is more concerned with arguing with random people, Jason Giambi seems preoccupied with being a fat lardass, and A-Rod is, well, A-Rod.  General Manager Brian Cashman believes that this sudden influx of gritty battlingness will light a fire under these less-motivated players.  And this baseball fan believes that he is right.

Franklin may be good for a 6.00 ERA, but what does that matter when your team can guarantee you 7 runs of support?

He's done it again.  Derek Jeter, the best player in baseball, hit 3 dingers and drove in an incredible 10 runs in leading the Yankees to victory over the Los Angeles California Angels of the City of Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

Right now, you're probably saying, "Hey, that's not true, A-Rod hit those home runs!"  A quick glance at the box score would seem to confirm this.  But doesn't it seem a little fishy that Alex Rodriguez, of all people, would put up a performance like this?  4-5 with 3 HR and 10 RBI is certainly something you would expect out of Derek Jeter, but...Alex Rodriguez?  That can't be right!

Well, it's not.  Before the game, Rodriguez spilled some grape soda on his uniform.  Concerned more about his image than anything, A-Rod refused to play without a clean uniform.  Manager Joe Torre got word of this, and had to come up with a plan quickly.

Enter Derek Jeter.  As Rodriguez continued to flip out about his stained uniform, the gritty Yankeek captain approached him and proposed an idea.  "I asked Alex if he wanted to switch uniforms.  Mine was clean, and I'd rather wear a dirty uniform than not have him in the lineup," Jeter said.  And that is exactly what they did.

Wearing Rodriguez' #13, Derek Jeter went on to have a monster game.  His three home runs included a grand slam in the 4th inning, and he managed to raise A-Rod's average to a respectable .310.

Alex Rodriguez went 1-4 with 2 strikeouts and grounded into a double play, lowering Jeter's average to .355.  "I'm not to concerned about the stats, I mean hey, we won!" Jeter said after the game.  "I know Alex tried his hardest today, and if we all do that game in, game out, we'll be playing in October."

Derek Jeter leads the AL with 34 intangibles, second only to Arizona's Craig Counsell, who leads the majors with 40.

Airdisc is almost as awesome as Derek Jeter.  He has lots of intangibles.